Adoption: It Ain't Easy

Are there any fans of The Office out there? I'm going to describe one of my favorite Michael Scott quotes. I tried to find it on youtube, but it must not be one of the popular ones. I'm sure I found it extra funny because it had to do with adoption.

Michael walks in one day and tells Pam that he wants to adopt a baby from China, and would she please do whatever to get him one. Pam tells him that it might cost $1,000 just to apply, and he gets quite annoyed. Then she informs him that it might take a year to get the baby. And he says "A YEAR? I might not even want a baby in a year"!

I found that hilarious, and that quote has been rolling around in my head a lot lately. I realize that there is a large number of people who think adoption is easy (based on how many times I hear "oh, you got a baby the easy way" when people find out we adopted), but those comments do not annoy me. I just think that the person speaking either hasn't thought about it, or just doesn't realize. But lately, the people who think that adopting is just one big ball of fluff is starting to bug me. Based on some conversations I've had with some friends, as well as some blog posts I've read about adopting orphans from Haiti, I decided it was time for another "adoption rant" post!

Are ya ready? Here we go!

Adoption is not easy!!

Now, I don't want to scare anyone off, and if you are familiar with any of my other adoption posts, you will know that I love adoption. I would not have my family without it, and I usually spend my adoption efforts telling people how wonderful it is. However... it is not an easy thing to do.

If you want to adopt, you have to start with a homestudy. Most people take about 6-8 months to complete a homestudy. It can take a lot longer if you don't work at it constantly, or if you are adopting internationally. We did ours relatively fast- in 4 months. But I was very, very motivated, and we had no kids or anything but work to distract us. I set a goal to work on it every single day. I'm sure I missed a few here and there, but there were also days when I spent all or most of my day working on it. For the most part, I made progress every single day, and it took 4 months to get it done. If you can't even commit to the homestudy process, you probably are not going to be up for the process of adoption. I won't go into all the details of what comprises the homestudy, but it is extensive, and detailed, and there is a lot of *stuff* you have to do.

Okay, so once you make it through the homestudy, you now have to find a child. Do you want newborn? Infant? Older child? Adopt internationally? Domestic? Foster care? Do you have other children in your home to consider? Will you use an agency? A facilitator? Go independent? Are you open to different races? Birth defects? Drug exposure? There are positives and negatives and ramifications to every one of these choices. These decisions are not, nor should they be, easy. We struggled with each and every one of these choices. They each require thought, research, and discussion. Many people spend long periods of time just making the decision of what path they will take, let alone going that direction. Quite often this step comes before the homestudy, since the direction you go may change the details of your homestudy.

Once the homestudy is done comes the waiting. The wondering. The hoping and stressing. No matter what kind of adoption you are working toward, it is fraught with difficulty and quite often long periods of waiting. You generally have no control over anything at this point- you are at the mercy of potential birthparents, governments, caseworkers, and all sorts of people who may or may not care about helping you. Most people will wait for literally years before they are able to adopt. The ones who have shorter waits are the exception, not the rule. Adoption isn't an impulsive decision- you have plenty of time to sit around and question your every choice.

I also won't get into too many details about money, except to say that it is expensive. As in, the average adoption costs between $20,000 and $30,000. Of course, being an average, many people pay much less than that, but people also pay much more than that. Adoption requires a significant commitment of both time and money.

Let's pause and talk about Haiti for a moment. Their recent tragedy has brought the attention of the world to their plight. In no way do I want to downplay what they have been and continue to go through. There are so many people here in the US expressing desire to adopt from Haiti to help the children of that country. I understand the sentiment, I really do. The urge is there to gather those little ones and protect and shelter them from any of the horrible things going on. But adoption? It doesn't really work like that. Haiti has always had orphans, and people have adopted from there for many, many years. It can be done.

But it isn't as simple as Earthquake = orphaned children = I will have a new child next month.

You would have to start your homestudy! Yes, even after an earthquake, you can't adopt without one. You would have to find an agency who knows Haitian law. Haiti will have to make sure the children are really orphaned and free for adoption. I imagine, with the chaos in that country, it will take a long, long time to determine which children have relatives able to care for them and which really don't.

Now, pretend that all that was taken care of... you would still have to parent the kid. It probably won't be an infant, so do you speak french? Are you willing to learn french and/or deal with the language barrier that will exist between you and your child until they learn English? Do you know anything about attachment therapy, since you are hoping to form a parent/child bond with a child who has been traumatized and orphaned? If you are Caucasian and the child is black, have you considered the ramifications of adopting transracially? Would you even know the basics of hair care to get you through the first few weeks? Adopting an older child can be extremely challenging. Don't get me wrong- it CAN be done. People do it all the time. But it isn't easy, and you have to know enough to know what could be involved with taking that step.

I guess my point is that if you feel that adoption is the right thing for your family, all of this is worth it. If I felt we had another child coming to our family, I would do it all over again, no question. But if you are just a little tired of morning sickness, or just don't want to gain the weight, adoption is not the easy way out. It is not something you just decide to do based on a whim. I don't think pregnancy is easy by any stretch of the imagination, and I would hope that more people would think through what they are saying when they say they want to adopt!

Purple Passion

A couple of the rooms in our rental house needed a complete overhaul- extensive spackle and all new paint. Well, with a new gallon of paint costing somewhere around $25, and the discount rack of pre-mixed paint costing a mere $5, the choice seems pretty obvious when you don't really care all that much about what color it turns out.

Which is how we ended up with a purple room...

And I kind of love it!

I don't even miss it... yet

One week ago my oven went out. Kydon's mom was taking care of the kids and tried to bake some cookies. She saw sparks and flames, and turned off the oven. When we examined it later, we saw that the element was completely severed in two.
I think we could just replace the element, and it would be fixed, but I don't want to. First, the oven is old, and our kitchen is in need of an entire overhaul, new appliances included. So I really don't want to put any money into the old one, not even the small amount it might take to get a new element.

Second, I think that if our oven doesn't work, that is much more motivation to get a new one. Once we fix it, that motivation will be gone, and who knows when I will get a new one.

So far, I haven't even missed it. Part of that is because we have all been working non stop fixing up our rental house, and we have been eating sandwiches, fast food, and my mom's cooking. But, obviously, I have a lot of alternatives. Stove, microwave, crockpot, grill, and toaster oven.

Tonight I even made biscuits....

Granted, I had to cook them 4 at a time, but they did turn out great! I put a count-up timer on the sidebar to see how long we can last before we either buy a new one or fix the old one.

Mommy's Little Secret

Outside:

Inside:

Don't tell!

Don't judge a book by its cover

Abigail is the sweetest little girl. She loves to write little love notes. She writes them to me, to Daddy, to Grandma and Grandpa, everyone that she loves.

They are the sweetest little notes. "I love you Daddy". She quite often decorates them with hearts and flowers, and generally uses pink or purple markers and whatever cute paper she can find.

You read the note, and get all warm and fuzzy inside.

But beware! Lurking inside, or on the back of the sweet note, you will find something not so sweet... In fact, it might be downright stinky...

And as you read the real message of the note, you will hear hysterical giggling coming from not far away as the author rejoices in her triumph!

The List

Here to explain my absence from blogging, email, phone calls, laundry, dishes, and life in general, is....

THE LIST

The extensive list of all the things we need to do to get our rental home ready. The "X"s are finally starting to outnumber the "O"s, but not to worry- we keep finding more to add to it.

Needless to say, my life for the past two weeks has been consumed by trying to complete the tasks on this list! I am hoping to be done by the middle of next week, and then I can come back to the house I live in and try to reclaim it from the mess it is quickly becoming.

And maybe one of these days the kids will get a bath.

But don't hold your breath.

When Art Imitates Life

One of the kids favorite games is to play "family". Abigail is the big sister, Jack is the brother, Aidan is the brother, and they ask me to be the mom. We call each other 'brother', 'mom', and 'sister'.

It is crazy how much imagination they have!

More Thoughts About Home School

I am (mostly) recovered from my night of work this week, and we are headed off this morning to try and make major progress on getting our rental house ready.

Since there is no time to blog, if you want something to read, you can head over to Deep South Moms and read about my homeschool fanasy.