Monday, June 7, 2010

Adoption Understandings

The kids and I had an interesting conversation the other night. I love to watch as their understanding of adoption grows and changes. One of them asked me what my middle name was. I explained that my Mom and Dad didn't give me a middle name, but I use my old last name as my middle name. That led into a whole discussion about last names, and how when a girl gets married she sometimes uses the last name of her husband, and how your name shows what family you are in, etc.

They were very interested in it, and we spent some time naming different people we knew and what their name is now and what it used to be, etc. Jack then asked about his birthmom, and what her name was. I told him, and he said that his whole name included her last name. He put it between his middle name and our last name. I asked him why he thought her name should be in his name, and he said "Because- Jack is me and then I was with A., and then I was with you, so that is my real whole name".

I thought it was so amazing that at 5 he can recognize and appreciate those relationships. I love that he recognizes that he "came from her" and is in her family as well as ours. My deepest hope is that they will all be able to know, understand and appreciate their past. I want them to know that there is no competition or any feelings of "them or us". I thought it was so cool that he feels connected enough to include her name into his family name, because she is family to us.

We then talked about how each of their birthmoms helped select their names, and how special their names are because of how many people worked to think of just the right ones. Abigail has had some recent feelings of sadness about her adoption, and she chatted away about her middle name and that it was what her birthmom called her when she was growing. I was so relieved to see that she seemed to be just fine with the subject and that she was not sad at all to be talking about it. I had heard before that age 5/6 is a time when they develop deeper understandings, so I have been watching and listening with much curiosity this year!


Cecilee said...

Children can make some amazing connections sometimes. I guess we should never underestimate the things they can understand. Thanks for sharing.

Villamor family said...

i love how they make connections...Sophia's first discussions about adoption surrounded the concept of sharing a toy. Nate has gone through a sad phase about his Abigail's sadness due to the limited contact she/you has with her bm? That has been a source of his sadness but there may be other concerns as well. He is pretty positive about his adoption background now and about once a month says "what if we lived in UT and saw my birthparents" or "what if we looked up their name in the phonebok". Makes me wonder what it would be like to see them again!